where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
