dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
