dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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