i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
