Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just forgot I was standing up.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
