Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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