8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
