there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
