i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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