Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
