doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
