Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
