We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
