I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
