I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
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