I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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