I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
