my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
