He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
a search helicopter?!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
