You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
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You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
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I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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