I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
