He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
