i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We have started to decorate penises.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
