is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
