it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
