On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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