he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
