Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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