I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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