I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
