so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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