I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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