Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
