my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
