fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
false alarm. still invincible.
Girls should come with a carfax report
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.