I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!