apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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