MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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