my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
