Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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