Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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