We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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