Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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