We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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