I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
