I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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