So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
