the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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