dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
