note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
