there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
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Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
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Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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