You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
