Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
