I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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