Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
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But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Bring me that man meat
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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